by Wes King
Yesterday I had the, uh, pleasure to watch Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.
Following the trend of half-written, stylized, over violent horror/fantasy
whatever-ness that Snow White and The
Huntsman, and Abraham Lincoln:
Vampire Hunter paved the pathway for, it does nothing to add to the
pseudo-genre, except now it’s taken Jeremy Renner down to its dismally low pit.
Hansel is a film so bold, so over the top, so campy and ridiculous, that in twenty years or so, I could see people illegally downloading this film to watch in the same way people today are still watching Sleepaway Camp. If you think that was a compliment, please, click on the red ‘X’ on the top-right corner of your screen, throw your computer out your window, and then bathe yourself in turpentine.
And then set your hair on fire.
And then die. This blog is not responsible for any feelings of self hatred or self harm one may inflict upon one’s self upon reading.
One thing Sleepaway Camp got right that Hansel failed completely was the presence of male nudity. Yup. Even though the nudie bit in Sleepaway Camp was gross and completely ridiculous, I would have been ok if we had a completely ridiculous flash of some hunky Jeremy Renner man-pieces. But, no. Instead we get some random girl ass for a good, solid minute, and in return we see Renner shirtless while hunched over for maybe twenty seconds.
The majority of the movie is over the top action sequences where Hansel and Gretel are beating up a bunch of ridiculously spry old hags with anachronistic guns and doing a bunch of really cool stunts. I probably should have put all that under a spoiler warning because I’m not entirely convinced anything else happened in the film.
Oh yeah, there was some other stuff, kind of like a weak, fermented, moldy condiment on top of the rest of the movie pretending to be some epic plot twist. I predicted it within the first ten minutes.
To conclude, if you know a douche bag, and you really, really, really hate this douche bag, take that douche bag to this movie.
Hansel is a film so bold, so over the top, so campy and ridiculous, that in twenty years or so, I could see people illegally downloading this film to watch in the same way people today are still watching Sleepaway Camp. If you think that was a compliment, please, click on the red ‘X’ on the top-right corner of your screen, throw your computer out your window, and then bathe yourself in turpentine.
And then set your hair on fire.
And then die. This blog is not responsible for any feelings of self hatred or self harm one may inflict upon one’s self upon reading.
One thing Sleepaway Camp got right that Hansel failed completely was the presence of male nudity. Yup. Even though the nudie bit in Sleepaway Camp was gross and completely ridiculous, I would have been ok if we had a completely ridiculous flash of some hunky Jeremy Renner man-pieces. But, no. Instead we get some random girl ass for a good, solid minute, and in return we see Renner shirtless while hunched over for maybe twenty seconds.
The majority of the movie is over the top action sequences where Hansel and Gretel are beating up a bunch of ridiculously spry old hags with anachronistic guns and doing a bunch of really cool stunts. I probably should have put all that under a spoiler warning because I’m not entirely convinced anything else happened in the film.
Oh yeah, there was some other stuff, kind of like a weak, fermented, moldy condiment on top of the rest of the movie pretending to be some epic plot twist. I predicted it within the first ten minutes.
To conclude, if you know a douche bag, and you really, really, really hate this douche bag, take that douche bag to this movie.
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