by Brian Kesler
Tarsem's 'The Fall' is one of the great movies from the last decade. It was gorgeous, imaginative and chock-full of delightful, odd, and empathetic characters. It seems almost unfathomable that 'Immortals' was directed by the same man. This is a film totally at odds with that gem. It's big, noisy, ugly, with a thin meandering plot and characters so underdeveloped, they might as well be played by androids.
Videogames, in many ways, have changed and reshaped the way movies are made. For the worse. Directors and producers take the storyboard more seriously than the screenplay. Who cares about a screenplay? It's purpose was once as a sturdy backbone in which all other elements of film were supported. Now, it's an outline for a string of over-the-top computer effects and videogame violence. Who cares if our hero has a personality? As long as he's got pecks as hard as rocks, a spear to impale countless enemies, and the ability to scream as macho as Dwayne Johnson's poodle, we're good.
We see shots of characters looking worried or sad and are asked to sympathize. What we need, instead, is dialogue in which something interesting is said at least once. Is it so hard? Old Hollywood had that one in the bag. Even horrible dialogue was, at least, still interesting back then. 'Plan 9 from Outer Space' is one of the worst film's ever made, yet it's opening line, "Future events such as these will affect you in the future," seems like Shaw compared to this. There's nothing memorable about it. How long can you see the same shot of people being beheaded or impaled before it becomes tiresome?
And why are the Gods wimps? They get their asses kicked faster than the elementary student with labyrinthine wires protruding from his mouth. I'm just saying, you're asking me to be invested in characters whose only saving grace is their ability to fight like simulators and you make them cream puffs? Just sayin'.
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